Thursday, January 18, 2007


This week, Sandy Barbour announced a contract extension for Cal’s winningest coach ever, and one of its most popular. Yes, Rugby’s Jack Clark’s (391-64-5) contract has been extended. In an effort to be fair, she also extended the contract of another coach, Jeff Tedford.
Though not yet as successful as Mr. Clark, insiders say Mr. Tedford is an “up and commer” with a “bright future ahead.”

Though known for his gridiron prowess Coach Tedford has set another “post 60’s” record. This past December 9th, 11 players graduated. If I have this right, he has an 85% graduation rate from his original class five years ago.
No doubt the rest of the faculty departments will endeavor to keep up with the football team. I know they’re working on it.

For the Full Story, click here;_ylt=Atc8s_BcuWkrgw9WVQDXmxw5nYcB?slug=ap-t25-california-tedford&prov=ap&type=lgns

The fact that coach Tedfords’ salary was based on Merit as well as market has raised a few eyebrows, not only on Campus, but nation wide. Here are a few quotes I picked up on the internet:

From President Bush: “Coach Tedford deserves every penny. If it weren’t for him, USC Berkeley never would have made it to the Rose Bowl.”

From Ellen Tauscher. “Coach Tedford lives in my district. I don’t see why one man should get more money than any of the other coaches. I’m going to introduce legislation that that calls for “Participation trophies” for all the coaches, everywhere. Remember, it was the “Participation trophies” I received, back on the soccer fields of LaMorinda, which made me the legislator I am today.”

From Al Gore on the Senate Floor: “Sandy Barbour BETRAYED THIS COUNTRY! She BETRAYED THIS COUNTRY! Polluting Strawberry Canyon on six Saturdays a year with 60,000 to 70,000 fans will not only increase global warming, it will mean fraternities will make more money parking cars and only spend it on beer and marijuana, like I did at their age. The combined flatulence of thousands of cranky old blues, could poke a hole in the Ozone on any given Saturday. The concept of more families spending time together picnicking and rooting for their favorite teams, is what got us into Iraq in the first place.”

From Robert Dynes, President of the University system. “Though merit based hiring has clearly not been our focus in the past, we shall watch this with a careful eye, to see if it has a future in regards to the entire California system.

From an administrator who wishes to be annonymus: “Our mission is dedicated to under-represented minorities. Hiring on merit may have its place at Cal, but only if it helps diversify our campus community. Jeff Tedford is a married white male, and in my book that is clearly an under-represented minority on this campus. So, I support the move. Who knows? Maybe it'll start a trend.

From Jessee Jackson: It was insulting that this announcement came on Martin Luther King Day. It was Dr. King who said, I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” That’s so 60’s. How can one be hired on the basis of the content of his character and not on the color of his skin? It’s an insult to political correctness every where. More thinking like this, and I’ll be out of a job. Martin Luther King’s words are so “yesterday.”

Several others chimed in as well.

From Kim Gandy, President of NOW: “Jack Clark was on the hiring committee which hired Tedford, along with the most successful Crew Coach in Cal History, Steve Gladstone—then Athletic Director. Clearly this is a sign of the old boy’s network (successful coaches conspiring in secret to hire one of their own—another successful coach) at it again. What about being fair to all the inept coaches out there? They are clearly being discriminated against. If successful teachers and coaches are allowed to hire only other successful teachers and coaches, the underachievers will never have access to the best jobs.

“Two Mill a year? That’ll draw the chicks.” President William Jefferson Clinton. From Barbara Boxer: “At least Coach Tedford has some children we can send to Iraq. A lot better than that Chick who works over at State.”

Speaker Pelosi: “Even though he’s male and still married to the same women, he’s young and we think just living in the Bay Area, with time, he will come to embrace and live fully San Francisco Values.”

From Burlap (The kid who carries the excrement from the tree sitters in a chemical toilet to a secret location, to “save” it for compost). “Now that Coach Tedford has all that money, perhaps he’ll give up his plan to build improved athletic facilities, and will do the right thing and save those trees planted when the original stadium was built. Those facilities will only benefit children of color and women athletes. These trees could end global warming.”

Coach Tedford and his staff were unavailable for comment. At press time, they were at their Sierra Club/PETA meeting, discussing the options for a new name for the team which wasn’t was as violent and demeaning to animals as “Bears.”

Happy New Year, And Go bears,
Jeffrey Earl Warren ‘70


John said...

Well done! Maybe not subtle but truthful and very funny. I guess one could even label it a "meritorious" effort. Is Barn=bara Tauscher related to Ellen?

Jay Whipple said...

Dr. King Deserves Better in Charlotte, NC!